There is a country to cross you will
find in the corner of your eye, in
the quick slip of your foot–air far
down, a snap that might have caught.
And maybe for you, for me, a high, passing
voice that finds its way by being
(William Stafford, “For My Young Friends Who are Afraid”)
Fear. We all feel it; it’s both the body and the mind’s reaction to a perceived threat. Fear is the emotion that kick starts the body’s metabolism, useful in times of real fear, but, as the research suggests, not as useful to us when fear becomes our way of life. Not only does prolonged fear have the potential to suppress our immune system, but it hinders our ability to be fully present to the here and now of our lives.
What are you afraid of? In the poem, “Fear,” Carson Ciaran illustrates the sometimes irrational aspect of fear:
…I fear the gap between the platform and the train
I fear the onset of a murderous campaign…
I fear books will not survive the acid rain
I fear the ruler and the blackboard and the cane…
I fear the gremlins that have colonized my brain…
What else do I fear? Let me begin again.
(From Selected Poems, 2001)
Fear inhabits all of our minds at different times in a person’s life I’ve battled fear and anxiety more than once in mine, whether fear of jumping in the deep in of the pool as a child learning to swim, laying awake listening to my infant child’s cough as a young mother, fearing sudden mortality when I was first diagnosed with heart failure several years ago. And in a world where so many people suffer from war and violence, fear is a constant companion.
Fear is also something ignited by serious illness, and more than many diseases, cancer ignites fear. Quoted The Boston Globe in 2008, Dr. Donna Greenberg, director of psychiatric oncology at Massachusetts General Hospital said, “The word cancer still carries with it the specter of death and suffering. It’s like a monster coming into your house.” A cancer diagnosis sparks anxieties and turns them into flame. “The glass may be 99 percent full,” Dr. Ann Partridge, cancer specialist at Dana-Farber, remarked, “but they [patients] grab onto the 1 per cent risk.”
Having cancer affects your emotional health, according to the American Cancer Society. A cancer diagnosis often has a huge impact on patients, families, and even caregivers. Feelings of depression, anxiety, and fear are common and normal. The fear that cancer might progress or recur is one of the most common and devastating concerns of those living with cancer. You live with the concerns of mortality–a life shortened by a cancer diagnosis. In his well-known poem, “Fear,” Raymond Carver, poet and short story writer, who died of lung cancer at age 50, expresses the mix of irrational and real fear that can inhabit the mind. Notice how the tension increases as the poem moves to its final lines.
Fear of seeing a police car pull into the drive.
Fear of falling asleep at night.
Fear of not falling asleep.
Fear of the past rising up.
Fear of the present taking flight.
Fear of the telephone that rings in the dead of night.
Fear of electrical storms.
Fear of the cleaning woman who has a spot on her cheek!
Fear of dogs I’ve been told won’t bite.
Fear of anxiety!
Fear of having to identify the body of a dead friend.
Fear of running out of money.
Fear of having too much, though people will not believe this.
Fear of psychological profiles.
Fear of being late and fear of arriving before anyone else.
Fear of my children’s handwriting on envelopes.
Fear they’ll die before I do, and I’ll feel guilty.
Fear of having to live with my mother in her old age, and mine.
Fear of confusion.
Fear this day will end on an unhappy note.
Fear of waking up to find you gone.
Fear of not loving and fear of not loving enough.
Fear that what I love will prove lethal to those I love.
Fear of death.
Fear of living too long.
Fear of death.
I’ve said that.
(From: All of Us, 2000)
Fear can linger too, even after treatment is completed and recovery begins. “The Routine Fear for Cancer Patients,” an earlier article from The Philadelphia Inquirer, refers to “scan anxiety,” the psychic distress engendered by tests. “In the back of your mind,” colon cancer survivor, Judith Rothman states, “it’s always there that the other shoe is going to drop, and that becomes more active in the days before that CAT scan until I hear what happened…I always think the worst.”
Fear. We all feel it; it’s the body and the mind’s reaction to a perceived threat. It’s the emotion that kick starts the body’s metabolism, useful in times of real fear, but, as the research suggests, not as useful when fear dominates our daily life. Not only does prolonged fear have the potential to suppress your immune system, but it hinders your ability to be present to the here and now of your life.
How do you learn to live with the fear that cancer induces? How do you name it and yet, let it go, accepting what you cannot control?
In “I Give You Back,” poet Joy Harjo describes releasing her fear:
Oh, you have choked me, but I gave you the leash.
You have gutted me but I gave you the knife.
You have devoured me, but I laid myself across the fire.
I take myself back, fear.
You are not my shadow any longer.
I won’t hold you in my hands.
You can’t live in my eyes, my ears, my voice
my belly, or in my heart my heart
my heart my heart.
But come here, fear
I am alive and you are so afraid
(From: She Had Some Horses, 1983)
Fear is something we all live with, some of us, perhaps, more willing to admit it than others at times, but the challenge for anyone is to not let it prevent us from truly living. As William Stafford reminds us,
What you fear
will not go away: it will take you into
yourself and bless you and keep you.
That’s the world, and we all live there
(In: The Way It Is: New & Selected Poems, 1999)
- What do you fear? Try making a list in the style of Carver’s list poem. Don’t stop to judge. When you finish, read it over. Highlight the fears that are most “real” for you. Choose one or more and explore the fear. Set the timer for 20 minutes and writing without stopping.
- Look fear in the face this week. Create a character named “Fear.” Talk back to it as Harjo did.
- How or when does fear visit you? What do you do to manage your fears?
- Write about a time when you were truly fearful. What was the event? What happened? What did you do? Write the story of the experience.